I am desperate. I feel more and more energy and a deep let-go wanting to happen. In the last while I often have a feeling of letting myself fall into something like into the sea, or into the incredible beautiful vast clouds of the sky. But the stronger this becomes, the stronger another part, my ego, is trying to keep me down, to put me to sleep again, to tell me that everything is just bullshit and fantasy. This is so incredibly strong and there does not seem to be anything like willpower. I feel totally powerless; that makes me feel desperate, helpless and sometimes frustrated. Please help me.
The question is from Anand Maria. Maria, there seems to be some misunderstanding in your mind. It is not the ego that is trying to give you a message that you are moving in fantasies; you are moving in fantasies. But fantasies are beautiful. You are dreaming sweet dreams. It is not the ego that is pulling you down, it is the ego that is dreaming and that is going into fantasies. The part that wants to pull you down is your awareness. You are in a total confusion about it.
Awareness always brings you back to reality. Ego is, in fact, a dream; it is a false entity. Ego never stops anybody from going into fantasies, because ego feeds on fantasy. Ego is the greatest fantasy. How can it prevent you from going into fantasies? It wants you to dream, it wants you to dream great dreams of the other world.
It is not the ego that is pulling you down to the earth. The part that is pulling you down to reality is awareness, but you are condemning awareness, and you would like to go into the fantasies more and more. No, you are in a complete mess, Maria.
“I feel more and more energy and a deep let-go wanting to happen. In the last while I often have a feeling of letting myself fall into something, like the sea, or into the incredible beautiful vast clouds of the sky…. ”
They are nowhere; they are just in your imagination.
“But the stronger this becomes, the stronger another part, my ego, is trying to keep me down, to put me to sleep again, to tell me that everything is just bullshit and fantasy…. ” It is; it is bullshit. It will be hard for you.
Let me tell you one anecdote.
A schoolteacher in London had a mixed class containing children of all religions, of all nationalities. One day she asked her class who was the greatest man who ever lived, and said that the child who gave the correct answer would receive a shilling.
The first child was American and answered, “George Washington.” Patrick O’Kelly was next and he said that St. Patrick was the greatest man who ever lived. Then there was an Indian child who said Gautam Buddha, and a Chinese who said Lao Tzu. Then little Abe was next in line and without hesitation he answered, “Jesus.”
The teacher promptly gave him the shilling and said, “Now tell me how it is that you, being a little Jew, and not believing in Jesus as the Christ, mention his name as the greatest man who ever lived?”
“Well,” replied Abe, “deep in my heart I know it was Moses, but business is business.”
Deep in your heart you also know it is bullshit. That’s why you are pulled back to the earth again and again. Come back to the earth; imagination won’t help.
There is a poetry, a different type of poetry-which arises out of reality. Yes, there are beautiful clouds and there are vast oceans of beatitude, but that arises by being rooted in the earth. There is no conflict between that beauty and reality. That beauty is nothing but reality itself manifested in its total grandeur. But right now, whatsoever you are doing is just a fantasy. So change your emphasis. It is the ego which is fantasizing, and it is awareness which is pulling you down.
Allow awareness to work more and more, and don’t waste time in dreams.
I have heard…. Two fishermen were exchanging their experiences of the previous day. One man said he had caught a three-hundred-pound salmon.
“But salmon never weighed as much as three hundred pounds,” said the other man.
“Nevertheless, I caught one weighing three hundred pounds. What did you catch?”
“Not much,” answered the second man. “Only a rusty old lamp. But on the bottom of it was inscribed: Property of Christopher Columbus, 1492. When I opened the lamp I was surprised to find it still held a candle in it, and you know that the candle was still lit?”
“Now let us get together on these stories,” urged the first fisherman. “If you will put out that damned candle, I will take a couple of hundred pounds off that salmon.”
One wants to have sweet experiences, one desires to have beautiful experiences. But just by desiring you cannot have them, you can only dream about them. You can have them not by desiring, but by working hard on your being. Tremendous effort is needed. Then one day reality comes, is revealed.
And then it has a splendor which no dream can ever have. Because dream is just a dream, a thought in the mind—a colorful thought, but still a thought. When reality is revealed, it is totally different; it is millions of times more beautiful than any dream. Don’t waste time in dreaming. Walk on earth, be in the body, come back to your senses.
From The Beloved, V.2, Chapter Eight
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